The last year has been a progressive journey through pain and change… sandwiched between a world-wide pandemic and political turmoil. I have had to struggle with the fear of losing both parents in the same year. With my father’s cancer diagnosis, I have had to sit with the fear long enough to welcome bitter acceptance. I have had to say goodbye to people before I was ready. My heart has been obliterated. I have been floating somewhere in-between realities. My parents need me. I have a grandmother who needs me. I have young children. A husband. We have a small business we built together. A life together we have fought for. All need me. I need me. I almost can’t breathe as I type, the anxiety weighs on me so heavily. I have no earthly way to balance any of this.
I don’t discuss much that is personal or negative. That’s just not what I want to put out there. But, sometimes real life is dark. I have become cognizant of the cyclical nature of all facets of my life, and what I am going through now, I consider to be my own personal “winter”. Winter never lasts forever, eventually the fronds of new life will burst through the hardened ground. My winter won’t last forever, either. But I also understand another winter will come to me as I round through the cycle. This heavy season has taken a lot from me and out of me, but I refuse to travel through this season without taking things for my own. I am a fighter.
One thing that I am taking back for myself is time. Time to really sit and feel the life I am going through. So much of my life to this point has been spent “numbing” myself with distraction of many varieties. One tangible way I have taken time back for myself is that I withdrew from all social media. All of it gone. This has dramatically reduced the amount of outside contact I have with people, but I figure that those who are truly interested in my journey will move in close with me. I will keep this blog, and I hope that with less “distractions”, I will have time to write more often. This blog is a creative outlet for me. I am creating something, instead of consuming something.
The things available to “consume” today are concerning to me, as I sit in this season of introspection. I no longer want to allow myself to mindlessly consume what society has to offer. I want to create. I want to be the roaring spring wind that blows away the settled snow of winter. I do not want to spend what time I have left, placated and vicarious in my existence. I want to be an example of perseverance to my children. I do not want to bend my will to circumstance.
I am the green tendrils that break through the hardened winter soil. I will take what lessons I need from this winter, and turn it into the most vibrant spring. One piece at a time, I will take back what is mine.